Hilarious Thanksgiving Fails That’ll Make You Feel Better About Yours

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The Thanksgiving weekend Sausalito (California) Patch reader APG spent with a group of friends at Lake Tahoe quickly took a turn and, curiously enough, “I haven’t seen any of the guests since,” he said.

One of the guests drove up from San Francisco with a pre-roasted turkey that just needed to be warmed up in the oven.

“Well,” APG said, “to make a long story short, the entire house party ended up in the ER with severe vomiting and diarrhea.”

Sherman Oaks (California) Patch reader JoJo’s guests didn’t end up with food poisoning, but sitting down at the table had to wait a couple of hours to ensure they wouldn’t.

“My husband is vegetarian and I put all of my energy into the stuffing from scratch and creative side dishes,” JoJo said. “ I gave my best friend the task of buying the turkey. She doesn’t cook, so I told her to buy a cooked one at a grocery store.”

JoJo’s friend assured her the situation was under control, but showed up the night of the dinner with a partially cooked turkey in a box that needed a couple more hours in the oven.

“Everyone was there, hungry and ready to eat,” JoJo said. “I had to figure out ways to stall the dinner by singing karaoke, refilling wine glasses, having a pet turkey costume contest — anything to keep people distracted while we finished cooking the turkey.”

Shannon in Illinois recalled the year the electric roaster she was using went on the fritz, leaving her with a mostly uncooked turkey

“So dinner was served hours behind schedule,” said Shannon, who reads Joliet Patch, Plainfield Patch and Naperville Patch. “Some people had to leave before it was done.”

No one threw up, though, so that’s a win. And there were no fires, another win. The No. 1 Thanksgiving fail is a cooking fire, an estimated 1,600 of which occur every day on the holiday itself.

‘I Started The House On Fire’

Paula, who reads Brookline Patch and Newton Patch, both in Massachusetts, has managed to hold on to tender feelings for Thanksgiving despite every host’s worst nightmare.

“I started a house fire at 2 a.m. that destroyed the kitchen,” she said.

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“Long story,” Paula continued. “I pre-set self-cleaning, oven thermostat failed, the temperature climbed to close to 1,000 degrees F., setting fire to the stuffed bird inside which then spread to the rest of the kitchen. We spent the rest of the night at a hotel and had hamburgers at McDonald’s the next day. Our 12 guests were none to happy either.”

Thanksgiving is “still my favorite holiday, although we now plan dinner at an upscale restaurant,” Paula said.

Having gotten through twin fires that erupted on Thanksgiving Day that remarkably didn’t require the fire department’s hook and ladder truck, Waukesha (Wisconsin) Patch reader Pam can relate.

“I left ham basting sauce on the stove on low. My husband was grilling the ham outside. Both caught fire at the same time,” she said.

When the smoke alarms began wailing, no one knew the source.

“We were all gathered in the family room in our basement,” Pam said. “I ran upstairs, and the kitchen was full of smoke. My stepson ran up to my husband at the same time saying the grill was on fire! He thought the smoke alarm was for that fire. Luckily both fires were put out without the fire department — a memorable Thanksgiving!” Upper Moreland-Willow Grove (Pennsylvania) Patch reader Kate’s Thanksgiving fail also involves a fire.

“I reach across the stove to place a casserole dish onto the stove top — with a towel as an oven mitt,” she said. “The towel caught fire and I burnt four fingers (with blisters) right as we were sitting down to dinner.”

Dinner was late, and not just because of Kate’s sore fingers. Three members of her immediate family are volunteer firefighters.

“As I put the last side dish on the table, the alert for a fire went out. It was a working fire. It would turn out to be the third holiday meal that was preempted that year,” she said.

‘I Boiled The Potatoes Away’

For any first-time Thanksgiving cooks approaching the holiday with anxiety, Grammie in Connecticut is living proof all fails are survivable.

“On my first Thanksgiving, I used the hot liquid from the turkey pan to make gravy,” said Grammie, who reads Enfield Patch and Vernon Patch. “I mixed it in a container and put the cover on. I proceeded to shake the container and … It exploded all over the ceiling.”

Don’t do that. “I learned my lesson that day,” Grammie said. It never happened again.

“I love Thanksgiving, having friends and family gather for a great meal and spending time together,” she said.

Livermore (California) Patch reader Andrea handed responsibility for cooking potatoes to her daughter after her son-in-law had to rush to the store and buy instant potato flakes for a quick fix.

“I boiled potatoes to mash, but cooked too long and boiled them away,” Andrea said. “I still had the lid on the pot to drain them and they were white water down the drain!”

She added, “That was 15 years ago and I have still not lived it down.”

Gravy fails are practically synonymous with Thanksgiving.

MS, a Narragansett-South Kingston (Rhode Island) Patch reader, and her friend panicked when their husbands asked about the gravy just as the turkey was about to come out of the oven.

“My friend and I had no clue nor interest,” MS said “Good thing Mrs. O’Connor was there to step up with her cane and help us out.”

MS has since located an illustrated, step-by-step guide to making perfect gravy. Still, she said, “Even though I entertain and cook, I’d still rather have turkey and gravy at someone else’s house.”

‘He Starts Eating It Off The Floor’

Brookfield (Connecticut) Patch reader Steph told a good one on her husband, whose contribution to the family dinner at her brother’s was an especially beautiful pumpkin cheesecake.

“We were all so excited to dig into it — it literally looked perfect and had not even a trace of the surface cracking that is so common with cheesecakes. My sister-in-law ate the first piece and was strangely quiet. I took the next piece and immediately realized that my husband had forgotten to add sugar,” she said, adding:

“Fun fact: Pumpkin and cream cheese really don’t taste good together when left unsweetened. When it comes to food, looks can definitely be deceiving!”

Odenton-Severn (Maryland) Patch reader Mary also has a pumpkin cheesecake fail. While returning the pan to the oven for a few more minutes, she dropped it.

“I asked my husband to help me clean it up; before actually helping to clean it up, he starts eating it off the floor (the parts that hadn’t touched the floor) just like on ‘Friends’! I was up until about midnight making the second one.”

Somewhere in Illinois, a dog found good eating on the floor, too, according to Michele, who reads Tinley Park Patch and Orland Park Patch.

“My husband carved the turkey on a wooden carving board that overflowed with juices that seeped through the opening between the table leaves,” Michele described the setup.

“Our little dog who was under the table enjoyed the shower of tasty juices being poured on him,” she said. “He was quite a greasy mess by the time we ate dinner!”

Yum, Lighter Fluid-Seasoned Turkey

Buffalo Grove (Illinois) Patch reader John T. has a cautionary tale. Cooking the turkey on the grill using the indirect heat method over charcoal, he became concerned the piles of coals weren’t hot enough. You know what’s about to happen, don’t you?

“I squirted some fluid on each pile and put the lid back on thinking they would flame up and burn better,” John T. said. “Wrong. The fluid just created clouds of white acrid smoke that enveloped the bird.”

The bird did not pass the taste test.

“It was horrible and tasted like lighter fluid,” John T. said. “I probably carved almost half of the meat away until I got to some that tasted OK.”

Also, John T. said, his turkey grilling days are over.

No One Needs This On Thanksgiving

Baltimore Patch reader Amanda invited her parents to Thanksgiving and was “super excited” to show off her new home and cooking skills.

“I prepared the turkey, then hopped in the shower while I ran the dishwasher. Boy was that a mistake!” Amanda said. “Turns out the drain was partially clogged, and draining the shower and dishwasher at the same time was enough to make the plumbing back up and the toilet explode, sending water all over the bathroom.”

A drain-cleaning company available on Thanksgiving Day “charged me $800 to pop the clog.”

“I was able to salvage the dinner, however, and it ended up being a good meal, even if the bathroom floor was soaked,” she said.

Nothing Could Spoil This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving 1995 was always destined to be memorable for Becca and her husband. The plan was the adoptive parents would pick up their son from his birth mother the Monday before the holiday and the whole family would welcome him at a special Thanksgiving celebration.

Then the call came. The earliest they could pick up their son was Thanksgiving Day, said Becca, who reads Nashua Patch, Merrimack Patch and Concord Patch, all in New Hampshire.

It was too late to move the dinner to someone else’s house, so Becca got up early on Thanksgiving morning to put the turkey in the oven.

“Within a couple of hours, the turkey was smelling done,” she said. “We checked, and it was fully cooked on one side and raw on the other. It turns out the oven had been left on broil from the night before, and since I never use broil it never occurred to me to check. It’s always on cook.”

Becca made a solid comeback from her Thanksgiving fail.

“I made a big ol’ pot of spaghetti,” she said. “My family was fine with it.”

‘Hey, I Tried To Warn Him’

As a newlywed, Across America Patch reader Ellen told her husband that going to her family’s home for Thanksgiving was a bad idea.

He insisted, and on the way, Ellen stopped at a fast-food place and ate. Hubs was confused.

“We got there, and my mom said, ‘Oh! You’re here!’ She proceeded to toss the turkey bologna onto the table along with a cheap loaf of bread. Then yucky fake butter spread was brought out and we were told, ‘There ya go.” He looked stunned. Hey, I tried to warn him.”

Ellen is also so over Thanksgiving.

“As a woman, I don’t attend,” she said. “You see, I have ovaries and for some reason, it means I have to cook, clean, set tables, clean meat off carcasses and more all while the men sit in another room and watch football.”

Ellen was just getting started.

“About the time the women get to rest, some man will say, ‘Is there pie?’ GAH! Also, men might say the words. ‘But I helped, I took out the trash.’ You will never hear a woman say, ‘I helped
at Thanksgiving. I bet a man reading this doesn’t get why
I helped’ does not count.

“Nope,” Ellen concluded, “I’d prefer a buffet where all the options are there and I am not the housemaid.”

Lawrence isn’t that guy.

“About five years ago, my wife fell on a potato peel and broke her hip. I took her to ER and they took an X-ray and found a fracture,” the Land O’ Lakes (Florida) Patch reader said. “I went home and got dinner started while she enjoyed some good pain meds.”

Five hours later, Lawrence’s wife was home in a wheelchair, and they had their traditional Thanksgiving meal.

“From that point on, I peeled the potatoes, lol,” Lawrence said, adding, “This is exactly why it’s a good idea for men to be able to be a backup cook.”

Take heart, Ellen.

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