mobanmarketFor the second week in succession, Main Event opens with an in-ring promo instead of a match. This week, it’s wig splitter-in-chief, Mark Henry, who has something to get off his chest. Mizark begins his address by informing us that this August will mark the 20th anniversary of the inking of his first WWE contract. He reels off some of the accolades that he’s earned in that timespan (namechecking the ECW, European and Heavyweight titles in that order), before assuring us that 2016 will finally be the year that he checks the Royal Rumble off his list.
This revelation prompts The Ascension to interrupt. Konnor speculates that the World’s Strongest Man might have the World’s Shortest Memory because, as Viktor adds, it was The Ascension who eliminated Henry from the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal at Wrestlemania Play Sign. Fair point. That watershed moment in the history of our sport is indelibly etched in the minds of any who witnessed it.
These history-makers refer to themselves as the World’s Sickest Tag Team and state that the “annihilation” that they will bring to bear at the Rumble starts tonight with Mark Henry. They enter the ring and begin beating on Henry, hitting him with a Fall of Man that only brings him to his knees.
Cue Jack Swagger to make the save and clear the ring, setting up a rematch of the featured contest from Superstars a couple of weeks back, in which the good guys triumphed. I wonder if this one will have the same outcome? Hmmm…
Stardust def. Fandango via pinfall
We get a typically cryptic inset promo from Rhodes beforehand, from which I can just about decipher that he thinks he’s going to win the Rumble. Who did you eliminate from the ARMBAR, Cody?!
Super short match here. What little offence Fandango managed was highlighted by a plancha and a spinning heel kick for two. The finish saw Stardust dodge a corner charge, causing Fandango to crotch himself on the second rope. This allowed the heel to drag his prey off the turnbuckle head-first and hit the Queen’s Crossbow for the victory.
Alicia Fox def. Tamina via pinfall
Oh dear. This was bad. Both girls’ entrances are notable; Alicia’s for the fact that we get to hear her own theme (rather than Brie’s or Nikki’s) for the first time in an age. Meanwhile, Tamina debuts the new Team B.A.D. theme and TitanTron video. It’s pretty meh.
We get a botched spot straight off the bat as Alicia appears to trip off an Irish whip from Tamina. Loud spot calling from Alicia then prompts a headbutt from Tamina, who moves on to some of the most boring heel diva offence imaginable; stand on hair, chinlock, clap hands for some reason, repeat.
Comeback time, and Tamina is woefully out of place to dodge Alicia’s big boot attempt. The finish sees Tamina miss a corner charge (Road Dogg!!!) and get rolled up with the dreaded school boy for the win.
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After the match, Tamina gets her “heat” back by beating Alicia up. Completely pointless.
– Recap of the McMahons entertaining themselves in the opening segment of RAW and the stultifyingly dull Reigns vs. Owens/One vs. All main event.
Jack Swagger and Mark Henry def. The Ascension via pinfall
Jerry Lawler, Rich Brennan’s announcing buddy for the second successive week, reminds us that he was Henry’s first opponent in the WWE way back when. Brennan asks him how that went for The King. Lawler: “Check out The Ascension!” Hey, I smiled.
Pretty even contest before the inevitable commercial break, which is preceded by Swagger getting tripped by Konnor on the apron as he went to fetch Viktor.
To the surprise of no-one, we return with the heels still in command. This heat portion of the match is highlighted by Viktor mocking the “We The People” chant and following up by getting some insane height on a fist drop to Swagger.
Eventually Swagger cuts Viktor off with a belly to belly slam and gets the hot tag to his partner. Henry doles out big powerslams to both opponents, before joining Swagger in a celebratory “We The People” rendition. Swagger Bomb to Viktor follows, after which legal man Konnor sneaks up behind Henry to steal the win. Henry has him scouted on the Tron, however; he turns around, picks Konnor up, and puts him right back down again with the World’s Strongest Slam for the win.
Final Thoughts
Arguably the weakest edition of Main Event since I started covering the show in November. While replacing the opening match with a promo to set up the featured contest may seem like a good idea in theory, the usual poor scriptwriting has actually rendered the show weaker on aggregate since the experiment began last week. Two short matches (one of which was actively bad) and a rehash of a Superstars main event from a few weeks ago is not an attractive prospect for any potential viewer. Recommendation to skip.