mobanmarketAUSTIN, TEXAS — The selection of New York City and Northern Virginia to house the coveted Amazon second headquarters — a project known in the economic development game as HQ2 — that was announced on Monday left many finalist cities who had sought the deal crestfallen.
Enter Alexa, the robot personal assistant, to infuse humor into the whole affair in an attempt to take a little bit of the sting out of it. Twenty cities were in the running for the economic development plum from an original list of more than 200, furiously putting together economics incentives packages in their efforts to lure the huge project. In the end, 18 cities were left as bridesmaids — getting so very close to the ring but offered instead Amazon’s gratitude for their attendance.
It hurts. At least to civic boosters trying to bolster their economies, it hurts. Texas had two cities in the finals, Austin and Dallas. Officials in the latter city tried to put a positive spin on their loss, noting an already-robust Amazon presence in their midst.
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“The fundamentals that made Austin a top 20 finalist and have helped our city be a leader in job generation—our incredible talent and lifestyle—haven’t changed,” Austin Chamber of Commerce officials wrote in a prepared statement. “As we prepare to launch Opportunity Austin 4.0 in January 2019, we look forward to having more relocation and expansion announcements.”
So there. What’s more, Austin already has a lot of Amazon stuff, chamber officials added: “Amazon already calls our region home. It has created thousands of jobs here with Amazon Web Services, the fulfillment center in San Marcos and, just last year, it acquired Whole Foods—a true Austin original.“
Still, no HQ2 for you Austin. Next!
Alexa who, depending on one’s perspective, either infuses humor into the mix or rubs more salt into the wound in delivering vaguely sardonic apologies to all cities involved in the virtual apology tour — all delivered in the familiar robotic-lady voice devoid of emotional inflection or human sense of empathy. The Please Apologize skill offering tailored apologies was built by Austin-based ad agency McGarrah Jessee.
The apology to Austin, in part: “Okay, Austin, maybe we do owe you an apology for this whole HQ2 thing,” Alexa says in the tailored mea culpa. “You’re feeling like we let you down — for months.”
A robotic-toned diatribe into strong dynamics of the local economy follows before specifics on other factors that may have played a part in Austin not landing the headquarters delivered in monotone, disembodied voice: “Okay, it’s also your bats. Honestly, bats just really freak us out. You say they’re regular bats. But what if they’re not? For all we know, you’re all secretly vampires. Like a sanctuary city for vampires who love tacos.”
Ouch. Some context: Tourists and natives alike enjoy lining along the Congress Street bridge in downtown Austin to watch a huge colony of bats emerge nightly from the connector’s underbelly they call home in search of insects to eat. Yes, it’s a thing we do here in Austin. It’s 1.6 million Mexican free-tailed bats, Alexa. It’s quite a sight to behold, trust us.
And yet, there’s more taunting.
“Sorry, this is coning out all wrong,” Alexa concedes, devoid of palpable human emotion. “You know, it’s hard for us too. We’re really going to miss your barbecue and artesenal graffiti.”
Double ouch. We prefer to call it urban art, Alexa.
The Please Apologize skill for Alexa wasn’t built specifically for the Amazon race, but created earlier this year and deployed on Tuesday for the Amazon losers, its creators explained.
“We thought of a lot of things Alexa should apologize for,” Jeremy Cox, digital director at McGarrah Jessee, said. “Actually, we thought of a lot of things that that deserve an apology that nobody is apologizing for. So we built a skill for that.” said.
“It’s purely entertainment,” added Sarag Weigl, creative director at McGarrah Jessee. “We may add more functionality down the line, but the original intent was to build a skill that our creatives could have fun with, and hopefully get a laugh.”
There are Alexa apologies all around for the losing municipal contenders, from Atlanta to Chicago and Los Angeles to Toronto. To hear tailored expressions of regret for city (if you can bear it), click here. For the truly masochistic who prefer a visual reminder of their loss, there is an Alexa videotaped apology. For that bit of robot heartlessness, see below:
The apologies come amid immediate and predictable backlash against the process in finding a second headquarters for Amazon to augment its Seattle hub. In their attempts to land the project, untold millions of dollars were spent as cities were pitted against each other — preparing economic incentives packages in the form of tax breaks, readying for infrastructure enhancements, putting together plans for revamped transportation models and the like — all at the behest of the world’s richest man, Amazon founder, chairman and CEO Jeff Bezos with a net worth of some $96 billion.
But that’s another matter entirely. As for Alexa, we now know one thing: You’re kinda mean. Often helpful in assisting with everyday tasks, to be sure, but also just a little bit mean.
Et tu, Alexa? Your cold and insincere robotic “apologies” make HAL 9000, the chillingly conniving and deceitful, sentient computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey, seem like a benevolent robotic version of Mr. Rogers, minus the human warmth, cozy sweater and comfortable sneakers by comparison. You think you know someone.
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